Monday, June 9, 2014

A Quick Word From An Octo-Mazing Octogenarian!

My dad turned 80 this passed March, and he's still acting like he's in his 50's.
I posted several of his best one-liners on my Facebook page in honor of his birthday...but here they are again for those of you who may not know me, or my father in real life.

This a collection of some of his antics and ramblings from over the passed few years:

He’s an Octo-Mazing Octogenarian!!
I tried something unique in honor of my Dad's 80th birthday. I appealed to my Facebook friends with the idea that if my dad had said or done something to make them laugh, or make them smile...would they consider sending him a birthday card through the post to help commemorate his 80th.
The idea sort of took on a life of its own, because my father ended up receiving over 80 birthday cards by the time the final card arrived. He was shocked...and the kindness of people he'd never met, but who's lives he had touched made him go all teary-eyed. He received cards from all across the country! He received cards from Hawaii, from New York, New Mexico, Florida, Alaska, Ohio, name it! It was an amazing gift, not just for him, but for me as well, and I will never be able to thank my Facebook family enough for the kindness and the love they showed to him on that birthday.

My daddy is overwhelmed by all the birthday love he received from everyone and would like to thank each and every one of you for your thoughtfulness and birthday wishes!!
January 12, 2014
Dad: The only Mexican food I like is pizza.
Me: Daddy, pizza is Italian. Not Mexican.
Dad: Not in Lincolnton it's not. Have you seen who runs the Pizza Hut?

November 14, 2013 
In the car on the way to dinner with my dad....
Dad: Is your butt hot?
Me: your's?
Dad: Um....yes.
(I look down to see that the seat warmer has been turned on by accident...)
Me: Oh...the seat warmer is on!
Dad: Oh well thank God! There for a minute I thought I had crapped my pants....

October 22, 2013 dad thinks Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus are the same person.
Makes perfect sense to me.

My daddy models my Evil Lyn headdress I got from Johnny Bilson at Power-Con 2013!!
Dad: What's that noise?! Do you hear that??!
Me: *straining to listen* nah...what does it sound like?
Dad: it sounds like whispering...
Me: oh, maybe it's my iPod. *checks purse to find iPod playing Daft Punk album*
Dad: whew...I knew I was hearing something. I thought it was a Pentecostal!
Me: You thought it was a WHAT?!
Dad: You know, a Pentecostal. Like a ghost, or a boogie man.
Dad: What did I say?
Me: Pentecostal.
Dad: Oh...well hell, I'm glad you got that all straightened out. Being Pentecostal is MUCH scarier than being a poltergeist.

Dad: I think I'd like to have one of those cell phones with a camera in it.
Me: Okay...well, what do you want to take pictures of?
Dad: I don't know. Stuff. Bugs. Vultures. Cows. Clouds.
Me: Okay...well, I could probably just get you a better camera.
Dad: nah...I think I want a camera I can talk to. How much is one of them phones that has a Suzy in it?
Me: *puzzled for a minute* Do you mean SURI? Are you talking about an iPhone?
Dad: I don't's one of them fancy phones that has a lady trapped inside it. You ask her things and she tells you jokes and how to get to the dry cleaner.
Me: Daddy...I don't think you need an iPhone. You just need a phone, and I can get you a phone with a camera in it if you want.
Dad: well, get me one of them phones that will talk to me. Sometimes I get lonely when your Mama's busy watching NCIS reruns.

Dad: I can't go back to that restaurant anymore.
Me: Why? What happened?
Dad: Well...I ordered a sausage biscuit and I told the waitress I didn't want mustard on it. When it came out it had so much mustard on it that it looked like a baby had taken a poop on it.
Me: *nervous questioning*, the food and service aren't good...and that's why you can't go back?
Dad: Nah... I think I can't go back because I asked the waitress who's baby sh*t on my biscuit.

I would like to wish my two favorite superhero's a very Happy 48th Wedding Anniversary!! Your unconditional love for one another has been nothing short of an inspiration and constant reminder that true love lasts a lifetime. I love you both more than words can express. Happy Anninversary Mom and Dad!!

Now...let's go celebrate over a steak!!! The same way you did the day you got married!

I have the BEST DADDY in all the world. My love for him is infinite and unconditional. I wish everyone could have a father as wonderful as mine. We've never had much money, we never lived in a fancy house, but I have never ONCE doubted how much I am loved or appreciated. We are rich in the things money cannot buy...and that is truly priceless. Happy Birthday sir. You're making 79 look good!

"There's a difference between bein 'naked' and bein 'nekkid'.
Naked means you don't got no clothes on.
Nekkid mean you don't got no clothes on, and you're up to something." - Dad

Sometime ago, back in the 80's, my brother was with my dad at a gas station in Shelby. Dad must have been in "a mood", because a rather large "beast of a man" was standing in the doorway as my dad tried to walk in to pay...and my brother says THIS is what transpired:
Dad: you gonna move?
Man: what'd you just say?
Dad: I said you gonna move dammit?
Man: what?!
Dad: listen son, just cause you shit in the woods don't make you no damn bear. gonna move, or do I have to make you?
Man: (looks at my dad like he might be an escaped mental patient) I'm moving old man, sorry. add to the story, my brother was watching this from the car, where he was pretty sure my dad was about to get his ass kicked. He was amazed when the bigger guy walked away flummoxed. It also turns out that the big guy was just attempting to HOLD the door for my dad in the first place.
*and on a side note:
My dad has been much calmer and less likely to lay a beat down on innocent bystanders since his triple bypass surgery in '98.

Dad: so whatcha gonna do tomorrow night?
Me: oh, I'm going to the movies.
Dad: oh. Whatcha gonna see?
Me: I'm going to see Les Miserables with some friends.
Dad: what makes it less miserable?
Me: means "the miserable ones"
Dad: well hell baby, if you want to see someone be miserable make some popcorn. I've got the shingles and will let you watch me do stuff for free.

Dad: Baby I know you will grow wherever you're planted. You're like a weed.
Me: a weed?!
Dad: well, flowers are delicate and god knows they don't weather storms and cold very well. You're more like a weed. You'll grow wherever you decide to put down roots, and you'll be hard as hell to kill.
Me: gee thanks...
Dad: now don't be like that. You're an awful purdy weed.

Dad: remember when you used to play hide-n-seek when you were little?
Me: I remember hiding, and you never coming to find me.
Dad: I was letting you win.
Me: I hid under my bed for hours waiting for you to come find me!
Dad: well, it's not my fault you always wanted to play when Miami Vice was on.

Dad: Did you already have a cup of coffee this morning?
Me: Yeah, I brewed it at like 6:30 this morning. I'm on my second cup.
Dad: Did the first cup taste wrong?
Me: Not that I noticed.
Dad: Well it should have. It didn't belong to you. The first cup is mine.
Me: Oh...? Okay? Should I have poured it and put it aside for you?
Dad: No. That's silly. It would've got cold. You should have poured it, poured your cup, then poured mine back into the pot so it would be warm when I got up.
Me: Daddy, that's silly...even for you.
Dad: no, that's good manners. It's not my fault if good manners are crazy.

Mom: I'm sorry to be so much trouble...
Me: Mama, would you hush. You're no trouble. Have you MET my father?!
Dad: hey wait...why am I in trouble?
Me: oh darlin, you're not IN trouble. You ARE trouble.
Dad: true enough.

My goodness daddy...where'd you get that good lookin shirt!?
June 11, 2012 
I can't sleep because I have the memory of my daddy singing, "there's a skeeter on my peter, knock it off!!" stuck in my head...

"your mama can fix the dresses, I'm gonna wear this hat" - dad at Shane's
Me: sometimes getting old is a pain...
Dad: nah...eventually your eyesight will be so bad that you won't be able to see what's wrong in the world, your hearing will go and you won't be able to hear people complaining about how bad the world is, and then...your mind goes and you just won't give a sh!t.
Me: wow. And that's good...?
Dad: well, it's definitely better if you can stop giving a sh!t first...

Dad: Did I tell you about the other day when I dropped my medicine and mistook a piece of cat litter for my blood pressure pill?
Me: NO! What happened?
Dad: Well, for starters, I don't think cat litter helps lower your blood pressure...but it'll make you slobber like a bulldog.

Happy Birthday Darlin!!!

Dad: so you passed out at the doctor's office eh?
Me: yeah...wilted like four-month-old lettuce.
Dad: you get that from me, sorry about that. However you also get a lot of other stuff from you break even.
Me: yeah, like what?
Dad: oh you know...your love of cars, your love of awesome stuff, your sense of humor, your dashing good looks, all that stuff...
Me: Really? What do I get from Mama?
Dad: You're ability to boss me around....oh, and your eyes.

Me: what's wrong? You not feeling good?
Dad: (in a grumpy voice) I feel fine.
Me: you're not convincing me.
Dad: it's winter. The trees are nekkid and my bones are cold. I don't have to be happy until spring.

"I'm so tired of all these college ads making people feel stupid. Going to college doesn't make you smart. That's like saying puttin sugar on a french fry makes it a sweet potato. Being smart makes you smart, and french fries are always better with a hot dog and a milkshake." - My Dad

Me: That spider was so big that I thought you were going to need a glowing blue sword to kill it! (Not joking...said spider was HUGE)
Dad: You can't kill a spider with a sword, everybody knows that. Spiders are skilled swordsmen, and have eight legs. I would've lost that fight, and I'd still have had to kill it with the broom.

Don't ask me how it started...I think with a discussion on Martin Luther King day...and spiralled out of control, but this is where it wound up...

Dad: Why do we celebrate Columbus day? Columbus didn't discover America, America Ferrera did. Otherwise it would have been called "Columbisca" or something like that.
Me: (laughing so hard I can barely breathe) Daddy, I don't think America was named for America Ferrera, I'm pretty sure she's not that old. I think you meant Amerigo Vespucci.
Dad: Who? Amacrigo? That doesn't even sound CLOSE to AMERICA. I think you should Boggle it.

Dad: you know what we need?
Me: what's that?
Dad: hot chocolate and Crocodile Dundee.
Me: word.

In the car tonight...
Me: I'm SO SAD...people are already taking down their Christmas lights.
Dad: Not everybody...those people still have decorations up. (Points toward the graveyard we're passing by...)
Me: Um...yeah, Daddy...I'm not sure the cemetery counts.
Dad: Whatdya mean? Dead people decorations count! Ghosts LOVE Christmas!! Ain't you ever watched "A Christmas Carol"? There's like FIVE ghosts in that, and they all celebrated Christmas...

Me: (Unloading my car)
Dad: Is that my present?
Me: No...that's for Phil.
Dad: Can I have it?
Me: No. I've already got you presents.
Dad: Are they better than Phil's?
Me: Um...they're just as good.
Dad: I don't know about that...maybe you should give me MY presents AND Phil's presents...and let me decide.

Dad: What are you watchin?
Me: Jem. Phil just bought me the new Complete Series.
Dad: Oh. (Walks away...)
Me: I don't have to watch them right now, you can watch something else.
Dad: What are you talking about? I was going to make popcorn! Pause it til I get back.

Dad: It'll be okay baby-girl. You just gotta keep your chin up.
Me: Thanks Dad...I know.
Dad: You know what would make you feel better? A Tony's milkshake!
Me: You mean what would make YOU feel better?
Dad: Well, yes...but doesn't making ME happy also make YOU happy?

Two Tony's milkshakes later...
Me: You're right Dad. Buying you milkshakes DOES make me feel better.
Dad: See. I told you.

October 12, 2011
Me: hey, Dad...say something funny. It always makes me feel better.
Dad: I'm not funny, I'm honest...and you THINK it's funny.
Me: *smiling* Thanks. I needed that.
Dad: I'll be here all week, try the Vienna Sausages! No wait, the Vienna Sausages are mine. You can try the Beanie Weenies.
Me: *big hug* THAT'S what I needed. ;-D

Dad saying: You better hurry up and take the belly thinks my throats been cut! 
Uh oh...

Me: All my "get-up-and-go" "got-up-and-went".
Dad: Well, when it gets back, ask it if it would make me some peanut butter crackers.

"You? Again?! Boy, didn't I tell you not to show up here again unless you had Girl Scout cookies?!" - My Dad to the Jehovah's witnesses this afternoon

Dad: Where'd you put my tire gauge?
Me: I didn't have your tire gauge...
Dad: Yes you did.
Me: Really? When?
Dad: When you checked the pressure in your tires before you went to Knoxville!
Me: Dad, that was 6 months ago...
Dad: I know that...but you're the last one that had it. You're supposed to keep up with it! You were born almost 30 years ago, and I've kept up with YOU haven't I? I don't know why you couldn't keep up with a little tire gauge.

So today a lady with a questionably short dress sat too close to my father at lunch... When she dropped her silverware in the floor my dad said, "what are you wearing?" The girl looked up and smiled and said, "where i'm from they call this a dress, why? You like it?" To which my dear sweet daddy replied, "well, where I come from they'd call you a hooker. And no, I don't like it."
One of these days he's gonna get me in A LOT of trouble...

This is how my Dad likes to start a story: "I knew I was in trouble when I ate those green pears on my paper route and accidentally used poison-oak as toliet paper..."

so last night, over dinner, my dad told a lovely story about an Indian named "Bowels". Uncle Sam tried to get Bowels to move, and Bowels would not. Uncle Sam visited many times, and each time Bowels would say, "Bowels no move!" One day, after many months of failed attempts, Uncle Sam went to Bowel's teepee and found Bowels with all his possessions in a bundle, moving away. Uncle Sam asked Bowels why he had suddenly decided to leave and Bowel's said, "Bowels move now...teepee full of sh!t."

Dad: What are you doing?
Me: Cleaning out my spam folder.
Dad: You have a folder full of Spam?! I wanna see...
Me: It's just junk mail Dad, that's what they call it.
Dad: Well Spam's not junk. Spam is delicious!! Why would they name junk after something delicious?
Me: Beats me.
Dad: They shoulda named it Raisin Tuna Sardine Cheese. Because THAT sounds disgusting. And THAT woulda made sense.

Me: So this winter when it's 20° and I'm complaining that I'm cold, I want someone who loves me to smack me in the back of the head.
Dad: *SMACK!*
Me: Oww!! What was that for?
Dad: What? I only heard that last part. You said you wanted someone who loved you to smack you in the head...
Me: I meant THIS WINTER. If I complained about being cold!
Dad: Oh. Whoops. Well, that was just practice. And you're welcome in advance.

Dad: Remember that time your Mama asked you to say Grace and you sang the Wonder Woman theme song instead?
Me: Yeah...I remember you laughed at me and we both got in trouble.
Dad: Oh yeah, I forgot that part. I only remembered how funny it was. You were a funny kid.
Me: Well, I get it honest.
Dad: I don't know what you're talking about. Your Mama's not that funny.

Me: I just don't know what to do.
Dad: I just want you to do what makes you happy. Like the time I had to choose between a Klondike Bar or a Nutty Buddy.
Me: I don't think that's quite the same thing. You were happy either way...
Dad: oh, I guess you're right. What I meant was you should change your that no matter the outcome, you have ice cream.
Me: Thanks dad. You really do give the best advice.

Dad: Babe, you look like you've had a bad week. It reminds me of that time I got bitten by that barracuda I caught off the Oak Island Pier.
Me: Um...okay. Why does it remind you of that?
Dad: I don't know, but I want to go to the beach.

My dad paid PCH $20 for flower bulbs. He set them out 6 weeks ago & NOTHING grew. Tonight, he got out the bag they came in & read the directions. After realizing he planted the bulbs upside down he remarked, "I bet those damn flowers are blooming on the other side!! I bet they're blooming in Hell! I bet the Devil looked up & said, 'look at those pretty flowers! I HATE pretty flowers! Cause I'm the Devil. BLEAH.'"

it's 2:44am...I'm still awake.
Dad gets up..."What are you still doing up?"
Me: Can't sleep. I'm watching He-Man until I fall asleep.
Dad: Oh. Well, since you're up...would you mind making me some peanut butter and crackers? And move over...I want to watch He-Man too.

Dad: Do you have any comic-books about funny skeletons?
Me: Um...not that I know of...
Dad: Well...I want to read one about a drunk skeleton who wants to be sheriff one day, and maybe he has a pet. Like a funny monkey, or a wolverine or something...
Me: Wow...yeah. I'm pretty sure that doesn't exist yet.
Dad: Well that's what I want for Father's Day...see what you can do.

"When I see anyone else with those silly colors in their hair, I think, "now that's just stupid"...but when I see them on you...I barely even notice. Maybe that's because you're my baby girl, and I think you're beautiful...or maybe it's because you're my baby and you ARE beautiful. Either way...the blues looks good on you."
Thanks dad. I love you too.

So, at lunchtime, I bought a box of a DOZEN fudgecicles and took them home. So, 4 hours later, my dad calls me and says, "Hey. You know those chocolate popcicles you brought home? Well, you need to go get more...because I accidentally ate them all."
Accident my foot.

Dad: A rich man counts his gold, a wise man counts his blessings...*long pause*
And a lucky son-of-a-b!tch counts both.

“faster than a chicken chasin a June-bug...” Dad

“holy crap...that storm done skeered my monkey clear up a tree.” Dad

me: you know, people always want what they don't have...
Dad: That's true...the key is to want what you DO have.
Dad: (after a thoughtful pause)...but you're still right. I want a milkshake, and I don't have one.

this morning, my boss told me the reason his feet hurt was because he had his socks on the wrong feet. I told my dad that at lunch. My dad said he put the wrong socks on his feet one time. I laughed and said, "Daddy, that's not possible, there's no wrong way to wear socks." "Joke's on you," he said. "They were YOUR socks and they WERE on the WRONG FEET...and after that day, they were never the same."

A milkshake date AND Don Williams...all in ONE WEEK!!
Dad: (at Bojangles) Can I get some mayonaise?
Server: Sure. (hands Dad some Miracle Whip.)
Dad: (puzzled expression) No. I said mayonaise. Whatcha giving me salad dressing for?
Server: That's the only mayonaise we have sir.
Dad: Well that's dumb. If it ain't Dukes, it ain't mayonaise. You can keep your salad dressing. I'm not a rabbit.

Dad: You got any cartoons I can watch?
Me: Are you KIDDING? What do you want to watch?
Dad: You got any of them Hero-Mans on DVD?
Me: You mean He-Man?
Dad: Yeah, that's the one. The one with She-Ra in it. I wanna watch She-Ra.
(I KNEW I was a Daddy's girl...77 years old, and still wants to watch cartoons!)
Romanian Doctor (who speaks very limited, broken english): Mr. Marsh, how do you feel?
Dad: I don't feel worth a hoot.
Doctor: What is hoot?
Dad: What do you mean, "What is hoot"? Don't they have a "hoot" where you come from?
Even when he's sick...he's still...wait for it....a hoot. 

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