I posted several of his best one-liners on my Facebook page in honor of his birthday...but here they are again for those of you who may not know me, or my father in real life.
This a collection of some of his antics and ramblings from over the passed few years:
|He’s an Octo-Mazing Octogenarian!!|
The idea sort of took on a life of its own, because my father ended up receiving over 80 birthday cards by the time the final card arrived. He was shocked...and the kindness of people he'd never met, but who's lives he had touched made him go all teary-eyed. He received cards from all across the country! He received cards from Hawaii, from New York, New Mexico, Florida, Alaska, Ohio, Montana...you name it! It was an amazing gift, not just for him, but for me as well, and I will never be able to thank my Facebook family enough for the kindness and the love they showed to him on that birthday.
|My daddy is overwhelmed by all the birthday love he received from everyone and would like to thank each and every one of you for your thoughtfulness and birthday wishes!!|
Me: Daddy, pizza is Italian. Not Mexican.
Dad: Not in Lincolnton it's not. Have you seen who runs the Pizza Hut?
In the car on the way to dinner with my dad....
Dad: Is your butt hot?
Me: No...is your's?
(I look down to see that the seat warmer has been turned on by accident...)
Me: Oh...the seat warmer is on!
Dad: Oh well thank God! There for a minute I thought I had crapped my pants....
October 22, 2013
Makes perfect sense to me.
My daddy models my Evil Lyn headdress I got from Johnny Bilson at Power-Con 2013!!
Dad: it sounds like whispering...
Me: oh, maybe it's my iPod. *checks purse to find iPod playing Daft Punk album*
Dad: whew...I knew I was hearing something. I thought it was a Pentecostal!
Me: You thought it was a WHAT?!
Dad: You know, a Pentecostal. Like a ghost, or a boogie man.
Me: OH...you mean POLTERGEIST.
Dad: What did I say?
Dad: Oh...well hell, I'm glad you got that all straightened out. Being Pentecostal is MUCH scarier than being a poltergeist.
Me: Okay...well, what do you want to take pictures of?
Dad: I don't know. Stuff. Bugs. Vultures. Cows. Clouds.
Me: Okay...well, I could probably just get you a better camera.
Dad: nah...I think I want a camera I can talk to. How much is one of them phones that has a Suzy in it?
Me: *puzzled for a minute* Do you mean SURI? Are you talking about an iPhone?
Dad: I don't know...it's one of them fancy phones that has a lady trapped inside it. You ask her things and she tells you jokes and how to get to the dry cleaner.
Me: Daddy...I don't think you need an iPhone. You just need a phone, and I can get you a phone with a camera in it if you want.
Dad: well, get me one of them phones that will talk to me. Sometimes I get lonely when your Mama's busy watching NCIS reruns.
Me: Why? What happened?
Dad: Well...I ordered a sausage biscuit and I told the waitress I didn't want mustard on it. When it came out it had so much mustard on it that it looked like a baby had taken a poop on it.
Me: *nervous questioning* Oh...so, the food and service aren't good...and that's why you can't go back?
Dad: Nah... I think I can't go back because I asked the waitress who's baby sh*t on my biscuit.
I would like to wish my two favorite superhero's a very Happy 48th Wedding Anniversary!! Your unconditional love for one another has been nothing short of an inspiration and constant reminder that true love lasts a lifetime. I love you both more than words can express. Happy Anninversary Mom and Dad!!
Now...let's go celebrate over a steak!!! The same way you did the day you got married!
Naked means you don't got no clothes on.
Nekkid mean you don't got no clothes on, and you're up to something." - Dad
Dad: you gonna move?
Man: what'd you just say?
Dad: I said you gonna move dammit?
Dad: listen son, just cause you shit in the woods don't make you no damn bear. Now...you gonna move, or do I have to make you?
Man: (looks at my dad like he might be an escaped mental patient) I'm moving old man, sorry.
Now...to add to the story, my brother was watching this from the car, where he was pretty sure my dad was about to get his ass kicked. He was amazed when the bigger guy walked away flummoxed. It also turns out that the big guy was just attempting to HOLD the door for my dad in the first place.
*and on a side note:
My dad has been much calmer and less likely to lay a beat down on innocent bystanders since his triple bypass surgery in '98.
Me: oh, I'm going to the movies.
Dad: oh. Whatcha gonna see?
Me: I'm going to see Les Miserables with some friends.
Dad: what makes it less miserable?
Me: no...it means "the miserable ones"
Dad: well hell baby, if you want to see someone be miserable make some popcorn. I've got the shingles and will let you watch me do stuff for free.
Me: a weed?!
Dad: well, flowers are delicate and god knows they don't weather storms and cold very well. You're more like a weed. You'll grow wherever you decide to put down roots, and you'll be hard as hell to kill.
Me: gee thanks...
Dad: now don't be like that. You're an awful purdy weed.
Me: I remember hiding, and you never coming to find me.
Dad: I was letting you win.
Me: I hid under my bed for hours waiting for you to come find me!
Dad: well, it's not my fault you always wanted to play when Miami Vice was on.
Me: Yeah, I brewed it at like 6:30 this morning. I'm on my second cup.
Dad: Did the first cup taste wrong?
Me: Not that I noticed.
Dad: Well it should have. It didn't belong to you. The first cup is mine.
Me: Oh...? Okay? Should I have poured it and put it aside for you?
Dad: No. That's silly. It would've got cold. You should have poured it, poured your cup, then poured mine back into the pot so it would be warm when I got up.
Me: Daddy, that's silly...even for you.
Dad: no, that's good manners. It's not my fault if good manners are crazy.
Me: Mama, would you hush. You're no trouble. Have you MET my father?!
Dad: hey wait...why am I in trouble?
Me: oh darlin, you're not IN trouble. You ARE trouble.
Dad: true enough.
|My goodness daddy...where'd you get that good lookin shirt!?|
|"your mama can fix the dresses, I'm gonna wear this hat" - dad at Shane's|
Dad: nah...eventually your eyesight will be so bad that you won't be able to see what's wrong in the world, your hearing will go and you won't be able to hear people complaining about how bad the world is, and then...your mind goes and you just won't give a sh!t.
Me: wow. And that's good...?
Dad: well, it's definitely better if you can stop giving a sh!t first...
Me: NO! What happened?
Dad: Well, for starters, I don't think cat litter helps lower your blood pressure...but it'll make you slobber like a bulldog.
Me: yeah...wilted like four-month-old lettuce.
Dad: you get that from me, sorry about that. However you also get a lot of other stuff from me...so you break even.
Me: yeah, like what?
Dad: oh you know...your love of cars, your love of awesome stuff, your sense of humor, your dashing good looks, all that stuff...
Me: Really? What do I get from Mama?
Dad: You're ability to boss me around....oh, and your eyes.
Dad: (in a grumpy voice) I feel fine.
Me: you're not convincing me.
Dad: it's winter. The trees are nekkid and my bones are cold. I don't have to be happy until spring.
Dad: You can't kill a spider with a sword, everybody knows that. Spiders are skilled swordsmen, and have eight legs. I would've lost that fight, and I'd still have had to kill it with the broom.
Dad: Why do we celebrate Columbus day? Columbus didn't discover America, America Ferrera did. Otherwise it would have been called "Columbisca" or something like that.
Me: (laughing so hard I can barely breathe) Daddy, I don't think America was named for America Ferrera, I'm pretty sure she's not that old. I think you meant Amerigo Vespucci.
Dad: Who? Amacrigo? That doesn't even sound CLOSE to AMERICA. I think you should Boggle it.
Me: what's that?
Dad: hot chocolate and Crocodile Dundee.
Me: I'm SO SAD...people are already taking down their Christmas lights.
Dad: Not everybody...those people still have decorations up. (Points toward the graveyard we're passing by...)
Me: Um...yeah, Daddy...I'm not sure the cemetery counts.
Dad: Whatdya mean? Dead people decorations count! Ghosts LOVE Christmas!! Ain't you ever watched "A Christmas Carol"? There's like FIVE ghosts in that, and they all celebrated Christmas...
Dad: Is that my present?
Me: No...that's for Phil.
Dad: Can I have it?
Me: No. I've already got you presents.
Dad: Are they better than Phil's?
Me: Um...they're just as good.
Dad: I don't know about that...maybe you should give me MY presents AND Phil's presents...and let me decide.
Me: Jem. Phil just bought me the new Complete Series.
Dad: Oh. (Walks away...)
Me: I don't have to watch them right now, you can watch something else.
Dad: What are you talking about? I was going to make popcorn! Pause it til I get back.
Dad: It'll be okay baby-girl. You just gotta keep your chin up.
Me: Thanks Dad...I know.
Dad: You know what would make you feel better? A Tony's milkshake!
Me: You mean what would make YOU feel better?
Dad: Well, yes...but doesn't making ME happy also make YOU happy?
Two Tony's milkshakes later...
Me: You're right Dad. Buying you milkshakes DOES make me feel better.
Dad: See. I told you.
October 12, 2011
Dad: I'm not funny, I'm honest...and you THINK it's funny.
Me: *smiling* Thanks. I needed that.
Dad: I'll be here all week, try the Vienna Sausages! No wait, the Vienna Sausages are mine. You can try the Beanie Weenies.
Me: *big hug* See...now THAT'S what I needed. ;-D
Dad: Well, when it gets back, ask it if it would make me some peanut butter crackers.
Me: I didn't have your tire gauge...
Dad: Yes you did.
Me: Really? When?
Dad: When you checked the pressure in your tires before you went to Knoxville!
Me: Dad, that was 6 months ago...
Dad: I know that...but you're the last one that had it. You're supposed to keep up with it! You were born almost 30 years ago, and I've kept up with YOU haven't I? I don't know why you couldn't keep up with a little tire gauge.
One of these days he's gonna get me in A LOT of trouble...
Me: Cleaning out my spam folder.
Dad: You have a folder full of Spam?! I wanna see...
Me: It's just junk mail Dad, that's what they call it.
Dad: Well Spam's not junk. Spam is delicious!! Why would they name junk after something delicious?
Me: Beats me.
Dad: They shoulda named it Raisin Tuna Sardine Cheese. Because THAT sounds disgusting. And THAT woulda made sense.
Me: Oww!! What was that for?
Dad: What? I only heard that last part. You said you wanted someone who loved you to smack you in the head...
Me: I meant THIS WINTER. If I complained about being cold!
Dad: Oh. Whoops. Well, that was just practice. And you're welcome in advance.
Me: Yeah...I remember you laughed at me and we both got in trouble.
Dad: Oh yeah, I forgot that part. I only remembered how funny it was. You were a funny kid.
Me: Well, I get it honest.
Dad: I don't know what you're talking about. Your Mama's not that funny.
Dad: I just want you to do what makes you happy. Like the time I had to choose between a Klondike Bar or a Nutty Buddy.
Me: I don't think that's quite the same thing. You were happy either way...
Dad: oh, I guess you're right. What I meant was you should change your problem...so that no matter the outcome, you have ice cream.
Me: Thanks dad. You really do give the best advice.
Me: Um...okay. Why does it remind you of that?
Dad: I don't know, but I want to go to the beach.
Dad gets up..."What are you still doing up?"
Me: Can't sleep. I'm watching He-Man until I fall asleep.
Dad: Oh. Well, since you're up...would you mind making me some peanut butter and crackers? And move over...I want to watch He-Man too.
Me: Um...not that I know of...
Dad: Well...I want to read one about a drunk skeleton who wants to be sheriff one day, and maybe he has a pet. Like a funny monkey, or a wolverine or something...
Me: Wow...yeah. I'm pretty sure that doesn't exist yet.
Dad: Well that's what I want for Father's Day...see what you can do.
Thanks dad. I love you too.
Accident my foot.
And a lucky son-of-a-b!tch counts both.
Dad: That's true...the key is to want what you DO have.
Dad: (after a thoughtful pause)...but you're still right. I want a milkshake, and I don't have one.
|A milkshake date AND Don Williams...all in ONE WEEK!!|
Server: Sure. (hands Dad some Miracle Whip.)
Dad: (puzzled expression) No. I said mayonaise. Whatcha giving me salad dressing for?
Server: That's the only mayonaise we have sir.
Dad: Well that's dumb. If it ain't Dukes, it ain't mayonaise. You can keep your salad dressing. I'm not a rabbit.
Me: Are you KIDDING? What do you want to watch?
Dad: You got any of them Hero-Mans on DVD?
Me: You mean He-Man?
Dad: Yeah, that's the one. The one with She-Ra in it. I wanna watch She-Ra.
(I KNEW I was a Daddy's girl...77 years old, and still wants to watch cartoons!)
Dad: I don't feel worth a hoot.
Doctor: What is hoot?
Dad: What do you mean, "What is hoot"? Don't they have a "hoot" where you come from?
Even when he's sick...he's still...wait for it....a hoot.